Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Tough Girl

So, today I woke up at 5:00 a.m. and went to the gym. I came home, put on my tap out t-shirt and put on some AC/DC. Yeah...That's right....I like UFC....and I like AC/DC! I woke up today feeling "tough". Or maybe, I felt like I needed to be tough. Did I mention that I also gelled my 2 yr. olds hair into a very "tough" Mohawk too? Yep...That's right!

Well, we've just had one of those weeks, ya know? Those ones where you feel like something or somebody is just going to break. One of those weeks where you just say to yourself..."What's next?" Its only Tuesday! Well... Mama said there'd be days like these! And weeks too!

I have been on an emotional roller-coaster this week. Fun and happiness, disappointment, sadness, excitement, disbelief and your everyday stress all lumped together. I have felt this week like giving up on everything....dropping out and becoming a hermit. What to do, what to do? Oh, that's right....I'm gonna be tough!

So we started out the day looking like a very "tough" crew....and I'm o.k. with that! I felt like a "tough" girl all day long too. I have to say...sometimes I just get sick of dealing with "crap"....and sometimes....I need to feel tough! Sometimes I wonder....whats my purpose today? Most of the time....I never figure that out, but like I always say....I know I'm here today...on purpose. And some days, I just need to be tough! Sometimes...I like to be a girl...like...a girly girl....and sometimes I like to be....a tough girl. And I'm proud to be both! So....In my opinion...When you need to put on your big girl panties and face the day....put on your tap out T, a little AC/DC and say....Go ahead...MAKE MY DAY! Just sayin :)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Isn't time a funny thing? I've been thinking about time alot lately, especially when it comes to my kids. On one hand, I am excited for the future....On the other, I can't help but to be sad when I think of the past.

It seems that this particular summer has been especially tough on my emotions....and change is painfully evident in all three of my kids. With summer's end rapidly coming to a close, well....I'll be honest....the anxiety has settled in with me....on one hand, but like I said, on the other, to be able to witness the people my kids are becoming is exciting!

Jack, my oldest, is on his way to the 3rd grade. He has discovered the arts of reading, writing and drawing and holds a special love for every reptile there ever was and is. He rides a rip-stick now rather than a bike with training wheels. He reads and draws rather than pretending he is a pirate...and though you can usually still find him packing around a sword or some kind of weapon, he has found that he enjoys making them much more than actually playing with them. He's losing his little boy ways. As sweet and loving as he may be, he is also trying my patients and I'm learning that I must pay close attention in order to out-smart him. I have found that I have to alter the way I discipline him....because he's not that little boy anymore...he is changing. An exciting part about watching him grow, is I also get to watch his interest in the Bible grow. Lately he has come to me with many things he read in the Bible...He is obtaining some great knowledge and thats exciting!

Ava, the only girl is headed to the 1st grade....Yep, she's a big girl now. She will be in school all day instead of half a day. She loves to sing and dance and make up songs...she even records herself singing them. She has big dreams of being a cheerleader one day...and is very disgusted that there is not a cheerleading team for 1st graders! She loves fashion and makeup and getting her hair done...rather than playing with baby dolls...though I can still catch her every once in a while! She was recently baptized and when I asked her what it meant to be baptized, she confidently responded with "well, when I go under the water, that means that my old self is dead, and when I come up that means that I am a new person and I choose to always follow Jesus!" Big words for such a little thing!

Bridger is 2, our last baby. About a year after he was born, I had to have a hysterectomy. Though it didn't seem like a big deal then, I mean we were sure we were done...so no big deal...Right?? Well, yes and no. Now that he is 2 and sleeping in a big bed and almost fully potty trained....I miss having a baby baby! He is by far, our most confident, outgoing child. He thinks he can and he will try to acomplish everything the older kids do.....he's 2 going on 9! He is the family comedian, and also the most stubborn and bull-headed! He tends to buldoze the family, because everyone has a hard time resisting him. He is definatly a bull in a china cabnet and not afraid of anything! I still sqeeze his chubby legs everyday because I know he wont have it for long!

Yep, time is a funny thing...Love to hate it or hate to love it? My kids are growing up plain and simple! Its hard being a mom, but the blessings that come with it are abundant! Though I hate the idea of my kids growing up, I am so thankful that I was chosen to be their mom!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

So you had a bad day....

Bad day?.....Bad week! Heck, I've even been prone to share that I've had a bad year! Poor me....Right?.....WRONG! Although I have had a bad year, week and even today was not the best I ever had....there's no poor me about it. Truth is that I have journeyed through a very rocky time, but I have learned so much about myself, my husband, my family, forgiveness and God's grace....I consider myself sort of lucky to be on such a journey.

Bad day/Bad week....I have been lying in bed for 5 days now....so sick! It is the very middle of summer, I've been cooped up, my kids have been cooped up, we are all stir crazy and need a break....we are in need of a carnival.....so that's the plan for my husbands birthday! With antibiotics currently on board, I think its a go! Dang sinus infections are always lurking around with me and just when I think I am over the cold or allergy flair up....Bam....NOPE...You know that commercial for Mucinex? The one where those green snot blobs are having a party? That's me. Except a little Musinex doesn't do the trick. No, I have to make a trip to urgent care, and then the pharmacy which is always a blast....On the upside...I should be be back in business shortly!

Bad year....So in the past year, certain events have taken place that has created a rather large wedge between my immediate family and my husbands extended family. We have had to endure and overcome a lot...from accusations to horribly hurtful letters, which by the way were mailed to my husband on his birthday a year ago...not cool! We have had to see shauty looks and we have had to hear horrible lies regarding us spread like wildfire through our very small town and beyond. We have lost friends and family. In fact we have lost my husbands entire family.

Without going into too much detail I will tell you that our life with them in it contained a lot of manipulation and emotional abuse towards us and our kids. There was a huge lack of approval and also respect for our marriage, our parenting and our ability to make our own decisions. Now....I'm the type of girl that doesn't really take a lot of crap, but out of respect for my husband I tried and tried to make our relationship with them work. Eventually and through the events that have occurred this past year, we have had to set up boundaries for our family with full disclosure that if they cannot co-exist within our boundaries, for the protection of our kids and our marriage, then we simply cannot co-exist...bringing us up to date over a year later with no contact with virtually all of the extended family....brothers, mom and dad, grandparents etc. So yeah...It's been a hard year and still even a year later, their manipulation tactics and immaturity never ceases to amaze me!
The good news in all of this is that I have learned so much. The biggest obstacle I have had to hurdle is Mt. Forgiveness....Its hard to really know what forgiveness means in a situation like mine. Its hard to have people call you UN-Christian-like....Its hard to forgive period. I think there are defiantly steps to be taken for sure.....you see, I have experienced tremendous anger, even hate, depression, hopelessness, grief and finally forgiveness. I have been able to forgive whole heartily and I have been able to move forward with my family without their approval. I think its been amazing for me and those close to me to watch my progression through each of these steps, but I couldn't have done it without God's grace and mercy and forgiveness for me....I'm the first to say that I am not without flaw or blemish or tremendous sin.
In my situation, forgiveness towards them simply means that they don't owe me anything. It means that I can move on and let go of my hurt and the pain and move forward. Does this mean that we have a relationship? No. But, a choice had to be made....to be unhappy with their approval, or to be happy without their approval. We choose to be happy without their approval. In the end...its God's approval that counts.
When I see them now....I no longer feel hot and sweaty and all flushed, shaking uncontrollably with anger....I feel grief...I feel so sad that their choices have brought them a year without contact with us or our kids....I feel extreme sadness to know that they have missed so much. Through prayer and counseling, we are sure and stand confidently that we are doing the right thing...and its not about being "right" in our case...its for the protection of our children and our marriage.

Here is a verse that has recently been thrown at us from our extended family...
Eph 6:1-3....."Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother (this is the first commandment with a promise) that it will go well with you and you will live long in the land."
Verse 4 says....."Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

I think that sometimes this passage...1-3 is sometimes used as an excuse to be emotionally abusive....That's wrong, and I think if you are going to quote scripture, you should quote its entirety.

Please do not misunderstand me. I have not been the perfect angel daughter.n.law. And my purpose is not for others to find favor in me. My reasons for writing about this is simply to tell my story truthfully, without the intent to hurt someone else (though I am aware that this may offend some) and to share how God has been my anchor in rough waters and to share with you how God continues to show me that He ALONE is in control....I get to watch patiently and expectantly for His plan to be revealed one piece at a time.

One last thing is that even through my immense despair....God continued to bless me daily through the support of my amazing husband, my family and friends. My eyes were opened when I felt completely hopeless to the fact that "everybody" hates me...God was able show me that this is a lie, that I am loved and cared for....That even THIS is not bigger than He....He is in complete control.

So while I continue to pray for my estranged family, would you please continue to pray for me? I know God has a purpose, I know there's a reason, I know I am here today....On Purpose!

Til next time.....

Monday, July 19, 2010

Why Today?

So.....This is my very first blog and I'm a little excited, a little nervous! I've always wanted to be a blogger and have been thinking a lot about creating one. My brother recently created a blog (tradingitin.blogspot.com) in doing so inspired me to create one of my own.

So, here I am. Not even sure what to write about, I will tell you that writing is a hidden passion of mine. I don't know what to expect in doing this, but I do hope that somebody may get a laugh out of it or inspiration......Maybe God has a plan through my blog to touch someone else....You just NEVER know!

Here we go....I should probably head this off by letting you into my life. I love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I am married to an amazing man (going on 10 years), we have 3 great kids....Jack (8) my book, animal, reptile and Jesus loving son who has the sweetest heart ever, Ava (6) my spicy, dancing, singing and very stubborn daughter and Bridger (2) my chubby, tough and down right funny spitfire son. Each one very different and each one I pray that God will use their individual traits for His glory!

I never thought I would see the day when I turned that fun twenties corner.......TO 30! But sadly, I am almost through my first year here in 30ville....and.....its not so bad after all! I think I may actually be looking forward to aging gracefully (I hope) and enjoying the journey along the way!

This past year has been a difficult one. One that I thought my family would not be able to shake (For reasons I will share in a later blog), but through God's amazing grace and mercy....we made it through a very tough time together and stronger today as a family unit than ever before! And though I know that this particular situation has not seen the end of its days...yet, and I know that in life there seems to be more tough times around the corner, I also know that God will gently lead us ahead....and through it!

This past year has made me crave a purpose. I can't say that I know what it is....yet. Maybe my purpose is to "just" be a mom and wife and teach my children about Jesus, maybe its writing this blog, maybe I'm not supposed to know just yet. What I do know however....is I am here today....on purpose.

As you've noticed today's title is "Why Today?".....I don't know why, I'm just here and doing it. I don't have the answer as to why write a blog for anyone to read? We shall see what God has in store! Thank you for reading. I think that's all for today, but I look forward to sharing my joys, my laughs and my struggles with you, and hopefully learn some things along the way!

Till next time :)